I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
