So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
