At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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