Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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