Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
