God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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