Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
