Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
