"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
