Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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