he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
