I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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