Don't make out with my wife yet
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
