Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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