please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
don't judge my taste in strippers
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
