My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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