So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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