Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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