Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
