I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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