I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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