i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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