My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom