dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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