nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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