I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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