i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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