tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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