We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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