i don't plan on having that self control this summer
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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