new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
