i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
