they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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