also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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