happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
