First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
