Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
