how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
