I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
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I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
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All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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