I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
