I didn't shave. On purpose
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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