I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
