Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
