he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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