Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
