there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
