Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
