highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
