I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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