My hand turned me down
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
