I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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