how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
