We're facebook friends in real life
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
