Got a toothbrush?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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