and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
