hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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