There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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