apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
